I lock the door behind me, take off my shoes, and place tonight’s date into the disastrous pile. As I sink down into the sofa, the tall pile looms over me as a reminder of how good I am at being bad at dating.
The only thing keeping me sane is the belief that stories of successful online dates must actually be urban myths. If they are not, then the reality is too depressing to imagine. It would mean the common denominator is me.
Is it me? Is it in something I say? How I act? How I look? Or is it just that when the guys bring their shopping list, what they are looking for, I do not sell? Does what we look for in another person differ in the sexes?
My male friends who date all talk about a shopping list women have for dating which, most commonly, includes: having a car, owning a house, and being tall. I can’t quite decide if this list is pragmatic or ambitious. Pragmatic in the Darwinian sense of what we find desirable in a 21st century mate. Someone stable with a decent job which is reflected in a house and a car. Not quite sure what height has to do with anything other than producing offspring who will be able to reach items on the top shelves. On the other hand, it may be ambition if a women wants a man with an expensive car and an expensive house, someone who can help her to socially climb to new, lucrative heights. Regardless of motive, women don’t seem to want someone who is jobless or has no prospects. They are looking for something of a long term partner.
So what is on a guy’s shopping list?
When I think of my interactions, my experience of online dating, questions normally circle around when, how quickly and what will you do? Ready, steady, sex.
I lift my phone, open the app, and read through my messages. The tops four on guys' shopping lists are:
What you looking are you for?
Bra size?
Naked photo?
Bald?
Love the typical opening gambit, “what are you looking for?” I wonder if guys use this opener to speed things along or to pretend they want more than a hook up? Personally it always feels like the dating equivalent of a drug deal down a back alley.
“What you looking to score, mate?”
“honk of a boobie, please”
Bra size. "Look at the photos on the profile, dude. But solid line of questioning when vetting for a potential life partner" I say with a yawn and a bored look in my eyes. If that wasn't bad enough, we arrive at the request for a naked photo. My reply is short but sweet, "wrong site". Hilarious that guys confuse a free dating site with one where they can pay for those kind of services. Silly boys!
Bald. Come on! Even bald guys, don’t want to be bald. Oh! You’re not talking about the hair on my head- I am. I’m being deliberately obtuse now. It’s clear I’m not even a person by this point, I’m a means to an end.
This is not what I expected from online dating. Like a sucker I believed that just like in the ad, they would put me in a touch with a guy who wanted to run along the beach at sunset(ha!) Where is the guy from the advertisement? Online dating, to me, feels more like Just Eat for the sexually frustrated- order via the app for delivery straight to your door. At least with Just Eat there is a chance of a refund for unsatisfactory service.
So it begs the question do we really want to date if we use online apps or a we just shopping for that quick fix? Like a ping meal when we’re just too hungry to put the effort in to cook, we use the app when we just don’t want to put in the effort to date. In both cases we have a hunger that we want to quickly satiate, even if it's not good for our health.
Comments