It was June. The weather was amazing for that time of year and the sun split the sky almost every day. Summer and the thought of a holiday was just around the corner and life seemed great. The only thing missing was a date for the summer.
I hadn’t been on the dating apps for months. Online dating is a bit like drinking, too much of it isn’t good for your health, so you need to detox from time to time. Forget Sober October, I have Nae Swipe May.
I opened the app started the trawl through the profiles. Even though it had been a couple of months, nothing much had changed. There were the old stalwarts still plugging away with the odd new profile thrown in for good measure. I was flicking through the regulars when suddenly there he was. He wasn’t handsome in the conventional sense. He wasn’t tall, there was no hair on his head and athlete was he not. Yet, he was striking. I almost swiped left but I was drawn to his face and his features. He had the warmest smile, friendliest eyes that made him seem someone worthy of getting to know. He made the cut and it was a match. It didn’t take him long to send the first message.
We exchanged a few messages, and nothing rang alarm bells. He was a manager in retail, had an ex, had a child and had recently moved into his own place. He was tentatively dipping his toe in the dating pool and was really talkative. He reminded me of the old school guy type. The guy who isn’t too impressed with technology. He likes face-to-face interaction. He didn’t want a penpal he could text with for weeks. He was a “says what he means and means what he says” type. I appreciated and found myself encouraged by his no nonsense approach. He made me think us millennials were making a meal out of this online dating thing. In his mind it was as easy as fishing. Bate the hook (profile), catch a fish(match), pull it out the water (the date) and decide whether to catch or release (date her or throw her back in the water). It made utter sense and was very time efficient of him (ha!). He didn’t come across as obnoxious, unkind or chauvinistic with this approach. I really did believe he was taking dating seriously and was just trying to make dating simple.
Arranging the date was more revealing. I was beginning to think I was dating a man with a secret life. Perhaps he was a spy or a government official as I have never met someone with such a full calendar who could not explain why he was busy. It was all very strange. Weeks of date ping pong passed and we couldn’t find a time to coincide. I was about to give up when he mentioned about meeting on the Wednesday at a local bar. The only catch was he didn’t drive so I would need to meet him in his hometown. Honestly, I am beginning to wonder why there are so many cars on the road, when half of the guys on online dating can’t drive.
Two days later (and exhausted from the effort to arrange this date), I arrived outside his house. He came down, jumped in, and said he would guide me to the bar. He pointed to the little silver-blue car next to us and proceeded to tell me that this was his car. Turns out the man can’t drive but he invested in a small car in case he decided to learn. I smiled wryly before heading off in the direction of the bar.
If I’m honest, from the beginning of the date, I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. It all started when we entered the bar. I am the kind of person who doesn’t like to pull much attention to myself in a negative way. We walked in to be seated and there was no-one around. I knew there would be someone along soon, so started a conversation about his day. He was really distracted, and I could sense his annoyance rising as we had to stand waiting. I was mid-flow through my question when he shouted “is there nobody serving here?” I wanted the ground to open and swallow me whole. Other patrons looked around at us with a judgemental stare. He cared not a jot. “You think we could get a table?!” he said at a young waitress that passed by. The poor girl was laden with plates and reading between the lines, it looked like they were understaffed. She apologised, pointed to a table and told us to take a seat and she’d be right with us. Anger management case, right there!
I hoped now that we were seated, he would chill out a little and relax into the evening. We ordered a couple of drinks, or should I say, he ordered a couple of beers and (as the driver) I ordered a coke. He explained he’d had a hard week and needed a drink. (Yawn- haven’t we all!)
I asked him about is kid in the attempt to move the conversation on and defuse his temper a little. I was already of the mind that the angerball needed help and I needed saving, but it felt rude to just leave when we had just ordered drinks. He started showing me photos and explaining how proud he was of his little one. The photos were nice and the way he spoke about being a dad was lovely. It was clear that this was his most important role in life. It showed from the photographs and the effort he had put in to decorating his kid’s room in his new house. He became so calm talking about his kid, but I knew the touch paper would be easy to light, and he would explode again. Conscious of this, I was afraid to approach the elephant in the room, his ex. We had been on the date for about 45 minutes and he mentioned many times that he had a great relationship with his ex. She was in all of the photos he showed me of his kid and she was his screensaver. He didn’t hide it at all! But the straw the broke the camel’s back was when he said that he regularly stays with her to help. Help her with what? Help her out of her clothes? This coupled with the time it took to arrange this date made me highly suspicious. Was he still with her? Is he married? The questions were unrelenting.
I usually don’t like to be too obvious and use questions to figure out the situation. However, I was done. I was tired, it had been a long week, I was ready to cut my losses. So, I asked outright. “Are you still seeing your ex?” Well did he not go up like a firework on November 5th! Turns out I had not been the first date to ask this question, so this had hit a nerve. I didn’t blame his previous dates and he spoke about his ex- partner incessantly throughout the date. He had told me how they met, how special she was and at one point that she was the best sexual partner he’d ever known. (Note for other men dating, this is not the best date conversation and will put the kibosh on any subsequent dates).
So where to go from the awkward now? I offered to buy him another pint and found myself in the role of counsellor helping him to formulate a plan to get back with his baby-mamma. An hour passed and the session had ended. My price – the cost of a can of coke.
Truthfully, I wanted to just get home after this disaster of a date but when a guy gets emotional in front of you, you don’t want to tell him to find his own way home. I drove him home, stopped outside his house and without a word he got out of the car. The unspoken understanding was that we had reached natural end.
I have never heard from him since but like to think he has got back with his ex and is living in marital bliss with his young family.
So if this date taught me anything, it’s maybe I should consider becoming a relationship counsellor if my current profession doesn’t work out! On to the next…
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